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The lighting was perfect. Ruby set her Canon SLR on the tripod and examined the viewfinder on the back of the camera. She stood in Central Park, sunrise was just beginning as she set up her equipment on the grassy plain south of the Boathouse. The Sheep Meadow was silent. She loved this time of morning; the moment before the sunlight begins to peak through the surrounding trees. Click. Everything was bathed in the softly falling light. The rust and yellow leaves flickered in the cool autumn breeze. Click. She swiveled her camera to the carousel in the distance. The slant of light illuminating the small spire at the top then falling on the remodeled brick façade. Click.  Ruby unhinged her camera from the tripod and tucked the collapsible, three-legged stand into her bag. She wandered closer to the building that housed the brightly colored beasts. She hoped to catch the light falling on the horses but had little hope. The carousel was contained and shaded, but maybe, just maybe, if she angled the shot just right… Ruby peered into the quiet building over the iron fence and aimed. There was a wash of light reflecting off the white vaulted ceiling. She looked up and followed the stream of light down to the brown horse with a bright orange and blue bridle. Click. She looked into her viewfinder and shot again. This time on a black stallion outfitted in blue and red. The colors beamed brilliantly in the light and Ruby couldn’t help the smile that crinkled her eyes. It was perfect.

Her camera hung from her neck as she began walking south. She passed the Gapstow Bridge on the right and walked to the edge of the water. It was shaded, but for a thin veil of morning light like mist over it. She couldn’t resist. Click. She crouched down on the small muddy embankment and caught the shadow and reflection underneath the bridge at the same moment a swallow swooped down and glided across the surface. Click. She prayed the shot turned out. Ruby bit her lip. She didn’t want to make a sound. She just wanted the morning to awaken around her as it did naturally. Suddenly there was a burst of pigeons from the right of the bridge. Their wings momentarily blocking the light. Click.  Damn. Ruby stood and sighed. The moment was gone. She gathered up her messenger bag and walked back to the path.

Ruby emerged from the Park on 6^th Ave, her stomach growling. She shouldn’t have left without eating breakfast. The lure of an early morning shoot was just too much for her.  It was rare that she found herself awake at six am without the help of an alarm. She had to take advantage of it. Ruby readjusted her bag as she ducked into a sandwich shop and grabbed a banana and a cold brew from the refrigerator. She paid and wandered back onto the street.

There was something otherworldly about walking through Midtown at 7 on a Saturday morning. It’s the only time of day she could hear her own footsteps on the sidewalk. She had the pavement to herself and Ruby felt the calmness of the city wash over her. She turned west on 47^th and took in the typical tourist trappings along 7^th Ave. The closed kiosks and empty sidewalks, the street performers setting up for the day and the brilliant billboards playing to a missing audience. Click.  She paused for a moment before continuing on towards Hell’s Kitchen. Looking up, Ruby caught the light reflecting off the fire escape between brownstones. Through her viewfinder, she followed the trunk of the old maple up until the light reflected off the rusted metal and merged with the red leaves. Click.

Ruby lowered her camera and smiled. She would add this to her blog later, New York through the lens of morning. It had a nice ring to it.  She took a few more shots of the deserted streets, feeling the giddiness of an illicit moment. She reached into her bag for her earbuds. Pulling out her phone she scrolled through playlists and favorites until she found what she was looking for. Hitting shuffle, she looked up at the buildings that seemed to tower like friendly giants in the now bright sunlight and allowed St Vincent’s Los Ageless to weave around her morning as she retraced her steps.

The F train out of Rockefeller center was still quiet when Ruby arrived. She waited on the platform. There was a lone violinist playing the haunting final strands of what Ruby assumed was Bach. She pulled out her earbud to listen. It was heartbreaking the way only a violin can be. She felt the sadness from the man’s song seep into her heart and she smiled sadly at him, tossing a couple dollars into his case.

Of course, the song would get to her, she thought and turned her attention back to the empty platform. Ruby didn’t want to think about the real reason she was awake at six am this morning. She put her earbud back in and refocused on the music. She pulled out her phone and scrolled down her playlist until she came to the song she wanted to hear.

The lyrics were like an arrow piercing her heart. Slip my hand from your hand, leave you dancing with a ghost… She enjoyed the agony they invoked, it reminded her that she was still alive. In the heated moment when Sarah slammed the door in her face two nights ago, she wondered if that pain was what if felt like to die. Until she realized the pain was just a reminder of the life she and Sarah had lived together. Of all the moments they shared…of every goddamn moment. She would feel that pain and remember how alive Sarah made her feel, how alive she felt still- without her.

The train arrived in a flurry of damp, musky air. Ruby stood back for the few passengers to disembark. She smiled at the young family as they breezed past her then got on the train. She took a seat against the window and let the whoosh and hum of the train lull her back into her thoughts.

She knew she was wrong. Ruby knew the moment she met Dorian for lunch, that it was wrong, but she did it anyway. Sarah would find out. Of course, she would, maybe Ruby subconsciously wanted that. She knew all about sabotaging herself in relationships, the therapist she went to once, after she broke up with her first partner, spent endless hours reviewing all the ways Ruby denied herself.  Ruby couldn’t bear it. She didn’t need therapy. Well, no, she probably did, but she didn’t want to need it. She decided, after that failed attempt to right herself, that she would spend more time on her own version of self-discovery.

After that, she went back to school for photography. She sent her amateur attempts and a colorful essay to numerous scholarship programs until she was accepted. She was sure her therapist would say photography was just another way of denying herself, but Ruby didn’t care. She fell in love with the sound of the shutter and a well-developed print. She loved the challenge of taking a picture no one had ever seen before. She wanted to make people see the world around them in ways they never would on their own. She would wander snapping photos of anything and everything, eventually, her blog was created; Through the Lens was Ruby’s baby. She nurtured it with daily anecdotes and clever photos. It couldn’t pay the rent, but it fulfilled a need, and that was important to her.

Ruby packed her camera away in her bag then settled back to watch the dark walls whiz past as the train sailed south on its grimy track. Sarah was like a breath of fresh air, Ruby sighed. No, it was best not to think about it. What’s done is done, and no amount of reminiscing would change that. But still, her mind wandered to the night they met.  Both of them alone at the dive bar around the corner from the small apartment Ruby shared with Bennett and Luis, on Avenue B. After a long day of arbitrary orders from her bosses at Sloane and Puckett, the law firm she worked as a receptionist, she needed an unwinder. She sat at the bar, sipping a vodka tonic, scrolling through her phone, willing her apartment to be at least one block closer, when Sarah sat down. She wore her hair in one of those fancy braided up-dos found in tutorials online. Ruby’s hair was too short for anything other than running a quick brush through it in the morning. Ruby liked it that way. She maintained her sandy blonde hair in a simple bob for years, it did nothing to control the random curls that tended to form around her face, but she didn’t care. She was never worried about her looks. Her mother taught her from a young age that it was what’s inside people that made them beautiful. Sarah glowed from the moment she sat down in the sticky old bar and ordered a beer. Ruby made some pithy comment about the mugginess of the hot summer day and Sarah laughed and responded in kind. Eventually, they scooted closer to each other, chatting until the local Bluegrass band began to play. Ruby suggested visiting another bar, hoping she wouldn’t lose the thread of conversation with her. Sarah asked for her tab and together they walked a block to an even danker bar than the one they just left. They both laughed and grabbed a table next to the window. That was the beginning. Ruby could still feel the tentative kiss Sarah left on her cheek that night. It still burned like a brand, one Ruby had hoped to keep until she fucked it up. Until she got scared.

Oh, Ruby knew exactly why she accepted the invitation to lunch with Dorian: Sarah asked her to move in and she’s a coward. She didn’t need a therapist to tell her that.  She knew Sarah never liked Dorian, her ex. Ruby didn’t see the harm in maintaining a friendship with him, after all, it wasn’t that they hated each other, it just wasn’t a good fit. Both of them knew that. Ruby knew Sarah was working though her jealousy on the matter, she shouldn’t have baited her. She shouldn’t have gone to the damn lunch.

Ruby sighed and got off the train as it reached Delancey Street. Her playlist had somehow found its way to the few Abba songs her mother insisted she add, and she caught herself walking to the beat of Gimme Gimme Gimme as she climbed the stairs out of the subway. She shook her head and headed to the coffee shop on the corner. She needed some caffeine and a place to get her photos organized. She needed a distraction, anything to keep the sad thoughts a bay.

Luis was sitting at the table by the window when she arrived. He wore a pair of worn jeans and a V-neck t-shirt underneath a patched up sport coat. He looked comfortable in a way Ruby envied. No matter how much she tried she still felt awkward in her own skin, where Luis looked delightfully lived in.  She plopped down across from him and gave him a smile. “Uh oh.” He shook his head. “Here comes trouble.”

“Oh stop.” She stuck her tongue out at him and was rewarded in kind. She loved Luis. They found each other in the hell that was high school; two socially awkward misfits looking to belong, they took to each other right away. Ruby pulled her earbuds out of her ears and shoved them in her coat pocket. “You’re up early,” Ruby commented.

“One can only get so much beauty sleep.” Luis took a sip of his coffee. “Especially with Bennett snoring like a freight train.” Luis crinkled up his nose.

“Aww, does he still have that nasty cold?” It just occurred to Ruby that she hadn’t seen either of her roommates since Wednesday. “Sorry I haven’t been around…” she trailed off.

“I saw Sarah yesterday.” Luis started with a knowing glance.

“Oh?” Ruby sucked at being nonchalant. She tried not to lean forward in the chair.

“She stopped by to get her stuff.” Luis took a bite of the bagel sitting in front of him. “Another one bites the dust, huh?”

“Damnit, Luis,” Ruby muttered exasperatedly. “No, well, yes, kinda…she asked me to move in.”

Luis quietly observed her for a moment before responding. “It seems to me something has gone terribly wrong then.” He raised an eyebrow.

“Dorian,” Ruby muttered begrudgingly.

“Ah.” Luis set down his bagel. “Tell me what happened.”

The waitress chose that moment to pop up and Ruby ordered a latte and an almond croissant. The waitress smiled. Ruby noticed that her teeth were perfectly straight. She ran her tongue across her own slightly crooked bottom teeth and gave her a small smile in return. Ruby liked her style, she wore a black halter top under a red sweater and a pair of dark skinny jeans. Her black hair was in a knot on her head wrapped in a blue scarf. She looked so intentionally put together. Ruby wondered briefly how long it took her to get her eyeliner just right, before turning back to Luis.

“Nothing happened. We had lunch, Sarah didn’t like it. It’s over.” She looked out the window after delivering that final statement. Part of her still hoped Sarah would suddenly turn the corner.

“Just like that?” Luis snapped his fingers. “You and Sarah ended a year-long relationship?”

“Yeah.”

“Lies.”

Ruby looked back at Luis. He waited.  Was it really that simple?  Sarah’s jealousy was becoming more and more frustrating over the last few months. Ruby slowly reached her boiling point. “She asked me to move in. I said yes, but I was nervous about it, you know? So when Dorian messaged and suggested lunch, I thought it would be nice to talk to him. I mean, come on…we were together for like 3 years.  The guy knows me almost as well as you do.” Ruby paused as her latte and croissant were delivered. “Sarah didn’t like it.”

“So you ended it.”

“Actually, she did.”

“Interesting.” Luis finished off his bagel.

“Probably for the best, I was her first. She needs to get out there more. I’m not anyone’s happily ever after.” Ruby said unconvincingly. Ruby had been surprised to find out that up until her, Sarah had only dated men. Their camaraderie had been so instant and genuine. Regardless, she knew she was right. Ruby wasn’t looking for anything permanent. This was for the best.

“Oh, honey, happily ever after doesn’t exist. You know that. Look at your mom.” Luis said pointedly. “Speaking of, she called the house phone last night.”

“The house phone? Again?” Ruby knew Lila had her cell phone number memorized. The only reason she bothered to have a landline installed was to humor her mother, who worried that she wouldn’t be able to reach her if she ever lost her phone. Which Ruby did often. “What did she say?”

“Just to call her.” Luis leaned over and broke a piece of croissant off and stuffed it in his mouth before Ruby could protest.

“You know, she does it on purpose,” Ruby said thoughtfully. “Calls the landline, to prove that it is still relevant.”

“Someone should tell her it’s a losing battle,” Luis mumbled around another bite of croissant.

“Should I order you one?” Ruby asked gesturing to her half-eaten pastry.

“Naw, I’m just helping.” Luis gave her a toothy grin. “What about Jack?”

“What about him?”

“Can’t he talk her out of her landline fetish?”

“Jack? Ha! He still uses it himself. But only when calling her.” Ruby smiled and thought of the gentle giant she always thought of as a father and best friend.

Jack had been in her and Lila’s life for as long as she could remember. After her father left, Jack stepped in.  He was the calming force that helped her see reason through her childhood. Ruby didn’t like to dwell on the man who left her and her mother when she was three. Joseph Burke was dead to her now, Ruby sniffed and took a sip of her coffee. Jack was the father figure that stood by her side at every science fair and career day.  Growing up, while her mother worked two jobs to keep a roof over their heads, Jack would watch her during the day. Lila would arrive home smelling of grease and lemon pledge and climb in next to her on the small twin. They would talk about Ruby’s day, ending the evening with a story from the giant book of Grimm’s Fairytales on her bookshelf, and a kiss goodnight. Every night, like clockwork, her mother would trudge home, Ruby remembered how tired her eyes would look when she entered the house and how they would change as soon as they alighted on her. The evenings were theirs, and Ruby wouldn’t have changed a thing.

“I’ll call her in a bit.” Ruby took a sip of her latte. “I want to work on some photos I took this morning.”

“Alright, well I’m out. Gotta get to the salon before Bashful Brady tries to work the front desk again.” Luis said referring to his awkward co-worker. “I love the guy, but his capacity for offending people is off the charts.” He shook his head and ran his hand through his dark hair. He gave her a little wave before heading out.

Ruby sat there enjoying what was left of her croissant for a moment before pulling out her camera. She switched the viewfinder to picture mode and began flipping through the shots she got earlier. After staring unseeing at the camera, she set it aside. It was no use. Her mind was everywhere but here. Ruby squared her shoulders and looked around her. The coffee shop was small and cheerful. She discovered it about a week after moving in with Luis almost six years ago. God, had it really been that long? Ruby remembered the tearful goodbye standing on the front stoop of her mother’s house in Brooklyn. Both Lila and Jack wiping tears from their eyes as she and Luis loaded the last of her possessions into a rented U-Haul. No amount of reasoning would stop her mother from weeping silently into the sleeve of her sweater. Ruby told her at least a dozen times that she was just moving to the other side of the bridge, not across the world. Lila would nod, her eyes filling with tears. That morning, as she was embraced by both Jack and Lila in a family hug, her mother hugged her tighter than she thought possible. She looked into Lila’s eyes and saw the love and pride, Ruby knew was reflected in her own eyes. She respected all her mother had to sacrifice for her. Yet, there was something else…something in the way she spoke, the way she looked at Ruby. Fear? It was natural for a parent to worry about their kid, but Ruby sensed it was something more. She kept her thoughts to herself, but every now and then she would picture her mother’s face that day and wonder.